The Little Engine That Could...n't

The past few days, I have been having recurring feelings of inadequacy. Ever been there? Things you think you should know, but don't. Things you wish you could do, but can't. Why can't I be perfect and good at everything and be that way now? Ha...! Today there was an extremely simple and inconsequential matter that I could not immediately get the hang of, and rather than laugh about it, I fought back tears instead.
Where does that come from? I'm sure some of it's pride. Wanting to feel accomplished, maybe even a tad superior. This is wrong, I know.
I can be proud, stubborn, fearful & foolish.
I sometimes strive under the illusion that I, in my human-ness, have all the strength & qualifications I need to get by, and if I don't, I just need to believe in myself more and try harder.
But tonight God wasn't reminding me how ridiculous I can be.
What was He reminding me?

That He loves me.

He loves me not because of what I can do, or should do, or have done, or want to do.
He loves me not because of how I look, or where I've been, or who I know, or what others think of me.
He loves me. Unconditionally.

The God of the universe loves me because He is holy. He is Love. He knit me together in my mother's womb. He created me and said, "I have a purpose for you. I am going to transform you into the image of My Son. I am going to bless you with Myself for eternity. You don't know just how cool this is. You do not yet comprehend the depths, the height, & the width of My love for you, but rest in this:
Christ didn't die for you because you can; He died for you because you can't."

Christ didn't die for me because I can    [insert whatever]    ; He died for me because I can't.

Romans 5: 6-8

For when we were still without strength, in due time Christ died for the ungodly.  For scarcely for a righteous man will one die; yet perhaps for a good man someone would even dare to die. But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.

You see, my inadequacies go far deeper than the superficial. My sin separated me from my God. And yet, He came and died, bearing my transgressions. But He conquered the grave & brought me to Himself. And now? 

He calls me child.

He calls me beloved.

He calls me friend.

Because of Christ, I am holy & blameless in the sight of God. Not because of who I am or what I can do, but because of who He is and what Christ has done on the cross. I'm a mess. But somehow He looks at this mess (which He graciously calles a 'work in progress' instead) and says, "I love you. You are precious to Me." 

I can't say I've wrapped my head around that, but even so, "awesome" seems like an understatement.

Be Still & Know

You say, “Be still, & know that I am God.”

You are God when the earth is removed.

You are God when the mountains are carried away.

You are God when the waters roar.

You are God when the mountains shake.

You will be exalted among the nations.

You will be exalted in the earth.

You say, “Be still, & know that I am God.”

You were God when I was born.

You will still be God when I die.

You will be exalted among the nations.

You will be exalted in the earth.

You say, “Be still, & know that I am God.”

You are God in times of plenty.

You are God in times of harvest.

You will be exalted among the nations.

You will be exalted in the earth.

You say, “Be still, & know that I am God.”

You are God in times of killing...whether that is the dying to self, the dying of dreams, the death of unborn babies or conflict among countries. You are still God.

And You are God in times of healing. You are Jehovah Rapha, the Healer. You heal disease. You mend relationships. You restore my soul.

You will be exalted among the nations.

You will be exalted in the earth.

You say, “Be still, & know that I am God.”

You are God in times of brokenness.

You are God in times of restoration.

You are God in times of weeping.

You are God in times of laughter.

You are God in times of mourning.

You are God in times of dancing.

You will be exalted among the nations.

You will be exalted in the earth.

You say, “Be still, & know that I am God.”

You are God in times of casting away stones.

You are God in times of gathering stones.

You are God when I’m not even sure what that means.

You are God in times of embracing.

You are God in times of refrain.

You are God in times of gain.

You are God in times of loss.

The Lord gives & the Lord takes away.

Blessed be the name of the Lord.

You are God in times of keeping.

You are God in times of throwing away.

You are God in times of tearing.

You are God in times of sewing.

You are God in times of silence.

You are God in times of speech.

You are God in times of love.

You are God in times of hate.

You are God in times of war.

You are God in times of peace.

You are God regardless of how I feel.

You are God regardless of what I do.

You are God regardless of my circumstances.

You are God regardless of where I am.

You are God regardless of what people say.

You are God even in my foolish pride.

You are God when I humble myself before You.

You are God when I am distracted.

You are God when I am focused.

You are God when I am weak.

You are God when I am strong.

You are God when I am alone.

You are God when I am in community.

You are God when I am tired.

You are God when I am abounding in energy.

You are God when I am indifferent.

You are God when I am enthusiastic.

You are God when I fail.

You are God when I succeed.

You are God when I doubt.

You are God when I live by faith.

You are God.

Forever.

You are on Your throne.

The Alpha & the Omega.

The Beginning & the End.

The same yesterday, today, & forever.

He who was & is & is to come.

You will be exalted among the nations.

You will be exalted in the earth.

What have I to do but worship & adore You?

What have I to fear?

The Lord of hosts is with me.

The God of Jacob is my refuge.

A good God.

A holy God.

The one true God.

With me.

In me.

Changing me.

Loving me.

Woah.

Selah.

Inspired by Psalm 46 & Ecclesiastes 3

I Believe, Help My Unbelief

Seems contradictory, does it not?
In Mark 9, a man comes to Jesus because his son has an evil spirit that causes convulsions and often made him fall in water and fire. The man says to Jesus, "If you can do anything, have compassion on us and help us."
Jesus' response? "'If you can!' All things are possible for one who believes."
The man cries out "I believe! Help my unbelief!"
One might think that Jesus wouldn't because this man's faith is so small and seemingly fragile.
But what happens? Jesus heals the boy.

Jesus does encourage the man to have more faith. But he also honours the man's honest plea: "I believe, help my unbelief".  It is not that we are amazingly strong and faithful and therefore we deserve for Jesus to move in our lives. Jesus is amazingly strong and faithful and when we come to Him in our desperation and are honest about our struggles He will strengthen us. It is not that He always chooses to heal physically. But when we say "God, I believe but my belief is imperfect. Help!" He will.

I wasn't really intending to blog today, but it popped into my mind, so maybe I need to be reminded! In my greatest struggles, what I need to do is fall before the Lord with what little faith and strength I have and be honest about my weakness and struggles, and ask for His help.

I wrote this poem when I was accepted to Life Action but I did not have my voice back. But I knew God was able and I knew He was guiding my steps and pointing me that direction, and yet I was having trouble acting in faith and trusting Him. So the only thing I could do was acknowledge my belief, but also how frail it still is, and then say "God increase my faith!".

Do I believe You're Almighty?
Do I believe that You love me?
Do I believe that You cherish the future I can't see?
Do I believe that You will not fail to bring Your name the glory?
For if so, why do I hesitate to walk in that belief?

If I believe You're the Life, You are the Truth, and You're the Way
And I believe You are sovereign even when I am afraid,
And I believe You will honour all the promises You make,
Then there's nothing left for me to do but trust You and obey.

Do I believe You're Almighty?
Do I believe that You love me?
Do I believe that You cherish the future I can't see?
Do I believe that You will not fail to bring Your name the glory?
For if so, why do I hesitate to walk in that belief?
I believe; Lord help my unbelief!

Lord, Let Me Never Marry

Lord, let me never marry if it would be merely an idol.

Let me never marry if I would draw my husband away from You and serve only as a distraction.

Let me never marry if I would rely solely on his faith instead of walking with You intimately.

Let me never marry if we would be self-oriented instead of other-oriented.

Let me never marry if I would focus more on the temporal than the eternal.

Let me never marry if I just eye the blessing instead of worshipping the God who gave me the blessing.

Let me never marry if I can bring You more glory single. “For the unmarried woman cares about the things of the Lord, that she may be holy both in body and spirit. But she who is married cares about the things of the world – how she may please her husband.”

But,

If marriage would be a sanctification process,

If we would learn to reflect the relationship between Christ and the church,

If we’d encourage one other in our walks with the Lord,

And together grow more hungry for Your Word,

If we’d laugh, love, and be quick to forgive

Then one day, married let me live.

Though let me not hurriedly long for next season,

But know that right now has a glorious reason.

Don’t let me too quick question timing or man,

But lean on You with everything that I am.

And trust in Your choosing for this I confess,

I don’t want to love him if it means loving You less.

If married, may we remain faithful and true

To marriage, but most of all, faithful to You.

So whatever this means to my life or to his

Let us lean on your strength, oh Lord always go with.

Delight me in You and delight You in me,

Let me know You and honour and glorify Thee.

Feast or Famine

In feast or in famine

When I've made hell of heaven

And when I yearn for Your embrace.

Glad tidings or goodbyes

Emotions behind my eyes

I'm leaning heavy on Your grace.

'Cause I can't do this on my own.

CHORUS

Lift up your voice on high for the glory of the Lord

Raise up your hands tonight; there is beauty in His Word

Under sunshine; under cloud

You're working in and through us now

Spirit, be bold in us for the glory of the Lord

For the glory of the Lord

In laughter, in longing

In laying my belongings down

In knowing all I am is Yours

In trials, in timing

In trusting Your designing

For You are after and before.

And I just want to know You more.

CHORUS

BRIDGE

My soul sings to You

Only by Your power and mercy

And I turn to You

For You fill all who are thirsty

And You've released me

Free to wrestle, free to learn to own my faith.

And every time I fall

Every blessing, every battle

I know You've won the war

Though at times my world is shattered

And as I turn to You

Draw me closer, Jesus mold me with Your love

Show me that You are enough.

My weakness - You're stronger

My power - You're stronger

My wisdom - You're stronger, my Lord.

All hardship - You're stronger

All heartache - You're stronger

All planning - You're stronger; You're Lord.

And I just want to know You more.

Philippians 4:11b-13

For I have learned in whatever state I am, to be content: I know how to be abased, and I know how to abound. Everywhere and in all things I have learned both to be full and to be hungry, both to abound and to suffer need. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.


2 Corinthians 9:9-10
And He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in needs, in persecutions, in distresses, for Christ’s sake. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

More Than You Can Handle

22 year old American, 

living in Uganda, 

has a non-profit ministry,

single mother of 13.

The things God can do with a willing heart.
A heart that loves Jesus more than anything. A heart that's open to anything He calls her to. A heart that realizes that following His voice is not always easy because it requires you to give all of yourself, but realizes that the joy of being in God's will and bringing glory to His name is worth the sacrifices.

The 22 year old I was talking about is Katie Davis (you can read her blog at http://kissesfromkatie.blogspot.com/ or her book "Kisses from Katie"). A person made in the image of God. Like you and I. A person God loves very much. Like you and I. A person God will do amazing things in and through as she obeys His voice. And God will do amazing things in our lives too if we will give Him all of ourselves.

I wanted to share some of my favourite quotes from the book, although I recommened reading it for yourself!

"People from my first home say I'm brave. They tell me I'm strong...But the truth is, I'm not really very brave; I am not really very strong; and I am not doing anything spectacular. I am simply doing what God has called me to do as a person who follows Him. He said to feed His sheep and He said to care for 'the least of these'" (95)

"Mediocrity & abundance, comfort and ease, do seem to be safe choices for many people, myself included. In stark contrast, leaving our possessions, following Jesus when we don't have a well-defined plan, and entertaining strangers - well, that does sound a little scary. But what if, just beyond that risk, just beyond the fear is a life better than anyhing we have every imagined: life to the fullest." (101)

"People often asked me, 'how do you do it?' The answer...is so simple: I don't. It's just a little bit of coffee and a whole lot of Jesus...these 'accomplishments,' they are so not my own." (131)

"'Remember, God will never give you more than you can handle.'
...It is meant to be a source of encouragement, and it would be if I believed it were true.
    But I don't.
I believe that God totally, absolutely, intentionally gives us more than we can handle. Because this is when we surrender to Him and He takes over, proving Himself by doing the impossible in our lives...
I have learned to accept it, even ask for it, this 'more than I can handle.' Because in these times, God shows Himself victorious. He reminds me that all of this life requires more of Him and less of me. God does give us more than we can handle. Not maliciously, but intentionally, in love, that His glory may be displayed, that we may have no doubt of who is in control, that people may see His grace & faithfulness shining through our lives. And as I surrender these situations to Him, watch Him take over & do the impossible, I am filled with joy & peace - so much more than I can handle." (135-137)

"I believe there is only one truly courageous thing we can do with our lives: to love unconditionally." (251)

The Sunny Side of Suffering

The sunny side of suffering? (aka "The Hearty Half of Hardship"... I just love alliterations)
You may think I've lost my mind! This touches on more of what I wrote in "Sufficiency" in December: That every cloud has a silver lining and that the testing of your faith develops perseverence->character->hope.

The funny thing is, I already know all these things that I'm writing today. But sometimes in a certain moment, it suddenly becomes more real to you, and you don't just know..you know. That was tonight.

People often tell me that I'm always smiling. Always happy. My name even means "cheerful"! I love that people see me this way! But I don't want it to be only a superficial emotion. I want to be real. I don't want to be happy simply because everything is pleasant and easy. I want to exude the unsquashable joy of the Lord that transcends circumstance and the peace of God which surpasses the comforts of this world.

For those of you who I don't get to see regularly, it may suprise you to know that the past few months have been a massive struggle for me. And God keeps reminding me to trust that "The Lord will fulfill his purpose for me; your love, O Lord, endures forever..." (Psalm 138:8)

Sometimes, I praise God and "give thanks in all circumstances"(1 Thess 5:18). Sometimes, I handle struggles very poorly.
Sometimes, I rejoice because God loves me and has a plan for me, and will make good come from bad.
Sometimes, I have cried out and questioned if I even belong to God. Because if I did, why would I go through hardship?

Hebrews 12:7-8, 10-11

Endure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as sons. For what son is not disciplined by his father?  If you are not disciplined (and everyone undergoes discipline), then you are illegitimate children and not true sons....Our fathers disciplined us for a little while as they thought best; but God disciplines us for our good, that we may share in his holiness. No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.

This is where you'll really think I'm crazy: I read these verses...and I laughed. Heartily.

Not because life is easy. It often isn't. Not because I disrespect to things God wants to teach me. I don't. But because I can be so silly sometimes and forget things God has told and showed me many times before. I can trust Him. I belong to Him. I may go through hardship, but I will be refined by the fire. And God says during these times "check yourself, make sure you love Me most, focus on Me and run towards Me, don't look back, I love you, I love you, I love you."

God loves me unconditionally. (yay!!)
God has saved me (thank youuuu!)

God wants to make me more like Him. (please do)

God wants to use me to bring glory to His name. (Oh yes, Lord Jesus!)

And for that, I can laugh heartily with the joy of the Lord.